Adult

I am now an 80% real adult. Why?

Because now I have to worry about commitments and my decisions are affecting others in my care.

That said, I have less room to make mistakes and a shorter recovery period from any that have been done.

My focus now is no longer solely on me, but also on those under my wings.

A 100% adult would have to shoulder all of it her/himself with almost no room for mistakes.

I am grateful that I can still cry to my parent(s) when things get hard. I am grateful I can still whine to my parent(s) when I find the world unfair. I am grateful I have my parent(s) to help me see when I am overwhelmed. I am grateful to have my parent(s) who sympathises and is ready to back me up. This makes up that 20%.

Recently, I had to make the most difficult decision for myself. I had to put me first. I had to be selfish. It was not easy because I enjoy being in charge and knowing those I love can rely on me. However, the situation I was (still) in, is too unbearable that it’s compensating my well-being. So I had to leave.

Truthfully, it feels as if I am closing a pain point but opening up another. I am not sure if this is where the “choose your battle” quote fits but all I know is I had to for the sake of my sanity. I am glad that I made the decision because I can now look forward to being less miserable but at the same time, I am worried about how things will unfold.

For now, I shall take one thing at a time. Yes, I will find a replacement and yes, I will trust God in the process.

Efforts do not betray. What is meant to be mine, will be mine. What’s not, will be replaced with better options.

Have faith.

Excerpt: Letter to Oreshin

Oreshin,

Time is neither cruel nor kind. Humans put significance in it. Time will be what we value it to be. If we find joy in the thing we do at a certain moment, we don’t find time spiteful. But when we hate the moment, we blame time for crawling so slowly.

Have I become timid? Why am I so concerned about people?

Oreshin, sometimes it just doesn’t make sense how life works. Nevertheless, I am picking up all the gems while I am walking, however dreadful, the journey is. Oreshin, you once told me to never regret the choices made and to make the best out of the cards I’m dealt with. It’s hard, but, I am going to believe you.

Oreshin, I don’t know how long will it take, but I will keep on trying until the day I can look back smiling and proudly say, “I did it”.

2022: Missed The “Hindsight 20-20”

What on Earth! I haven’t posted anything since 2020?

It’s April 2022 now. But that’s fine, I guess. I started this space for me to write on my journey, and I did for awhile.

So, I think I owe myself this. I looked back at my posts, and I am surprised at the number of life moments I no longer remember or find as heartache. I remember feeling all sorts of emotions writing those, though.

Life is indeed a journey. I have changed in certain ways from who I was 2 years ago (God, has it really been 2 years since COVID-19?). I am more capable of deciding what I am and what I am not. Shamelessly, I think I am stronger too (in and out). It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Life isn’t just about a flowery path but, I guess it comes with the thorns too, or the insects if you fancy.

I don’t know if I should make any promises to commit to writing in this space. My priorities have changed and as much as I want to write, I am just occupied with other things. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Till then, may peace be upon you.

Difficult

Who would’ve thought, being a grown up means dealing with kid-kids and adult-kids.

Kids are challenging because their brain is still developing and they are very naturally curious of so many things.

However, adult-kids are taxing because their brain has fully developed and they are comfortable with what they already know.

Two very different groups of people and we are in between them.

So often we needed to make allowance for children who throw tantrums because that is just who they are. Likewise, we are asked to cut some slack for elderly because that is just how they are.

If we are expected to pay attention to them, who is going to care for us?

When caught in such situation, I always tell myself to not be a difficult person. I am constantly fixing myself, or so I thought.

It had me startled when an elderly had the audacity to use the I-am-older-so-you-should-back-off card.

“I am old, you SHOULD know how to not be offensive towards me”

“I am old, I AM sensitive”

“I am old, you SHOULD serve me the food”

“I am old, you SHOULDN’T speak to me like that”

“Why are you speaking to me like that? Why can’t you treat me like how you treat him/her?”

And the I-am-old-therefore-you-must saga continues.

When I looked back, I asked myself, why does (s)he have to be difficult? Why does (s)he have so many expectations from me or any of the younger people? Why does (s)he demand so much respect authority?

I very much understand that as people get older, they become more dependant. I am more than happy to assist. However, in some cases, things are taken out of control.

My gran is such an easy-going elderly. She is over 90 years old. Very often, she feels guilty to ask for help. She would try to do things on her own. She takes her own bath, she folds her own clothes, she eats on her own. Whenever I did those for her, she would thank me and apologise because she was afraid that I felt burdened. So I told her not to because she did the same for me when I was a kid.

I knew she wanted to go out but we couldn’t because of the pandemic, but she never said anything. So, I purposely left the door open wide when I was hanging clothes in our house compound. She would then slowly walk with her walking stick to the door. Very slowly, she then sat on the bench and feast her eyes with the plants my parents planted. She would then ask, “Are those roses?”, “What plant is that?”, “That is a tall plant.”, etc. We sat outside for less than 30 minutes before going back into the house. She was already very happy. You see, my grandmother is so lovely that I can’t afford to hurt her.

On the other hand, some other elderlies aren’t as lovely. They are almost like some middle-school bullies who are so desperate for power and recognition. They are so difficult to deal with. I pray that I won’t be like them, or worse. I pray that I could still be (accordingly) independent and lovely to my carers. God wills.

Till then, may peace be upon you.

Be Kind

When everything else fails, be kind.

I used to be a kid who hated religious teachers and schools. Then, I grew up to constantly question myself why was it so hard for me to do good. Then, there was a time when I thought I was so good and didn’t understand why some people do evil.

That’s my spiritual journey. I am now at a place where I am scared for myself, about my future, about my ending. Even the noise of thunder and rain makes me anxious.

Some people may think and find that religion is hard. Can’t do this, can’t do that. It almost feels like we’re trapped without exit. But that is not how religion works. There are reminders for both heaven and hell.

Some people, choose to focus on hell. When they speak, they scare some of us. Other focus on heaven. When they speak, they give us hope and assurance.

God is fair. God wouldn’t punish us if we didn’t do anything wrong.

I have been too scared for being consistently reminded of the sufferings and hellfire. I know that I’ve sinned and that only God could save me from hell. It’s a good reminder but, being under constant scare led me to feel uncomfortable and hopeless. In reality, God tells us to NOT lose hope. To constantly ask for forgiveness and Gods’ mercy. To know that God is the Most Forgiving. To know that God loves us more than we could imagine.

This made me realise, people are equipped with our own unique strengths. Some are strong enough to be reminded of punishments every day. Some require a more gentle approach where the story about punishments and rewards are equally important. Some are on the softer spectrum where they need to take things slowly and delicately. None of these is wrong as we walk our own journey.

It may take person A 15 years to find God but it’ll take person B 50 years to find God. None of them is wrong and it’s alright to take longer.

I know some of us are so eager to spread the truth. I’m afraid you’ll have to re-assess your audience. Not everyone is able to take it hard. The best of speakers are the ones who know their audience.

Till then, may peace be upon you.

Hello

Wow, this sure is the longest time I haven’t written anything on this site.

There’s a lot going on right now and I am going to spare this post from that.

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I was merely sitting in front of my computer when I realised I actually HAVE a site where I can write and re-read stuff I wrote. (Alert: self-praising ahead) I find that I have a certain colour to writing (okay, that’s a bit gross). So I asked myself, why do I stop writing? No, it is not the writer’s block, that I can assure you.

Many things had happened for the past few months and it scares me so much that I became slightly reclusive of anything that spells NEWS – pictures, videos, papers, pep talks, etc.

I thought it was too much to handle and that my heart couldn’t take it anymore. I was overthinking, stressed and there was a point where I was too scared to sleep. I feel like I am giving way to many information as I am writing this but, not going to dwell with it now.

I used to write so much whenever I was overwhelmed with emotions and some were made available on this site. However, I realised I don’t share as much anymore. It’s probably because the incidents were rather private to me and by sharing it here, I’m scared I will regret it later. So, I wrote on A4 papers using a physical pen, re-read the words, crumple the paper and showed the paper it’s way to the bin.

I guess, that is the answer as to why this site has been idled for so long – I didn’t have anything I am brave enough to share.

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Nevertheless, I wish everyone is keeping themselves (and their families) safe by staying in and minding the social distance. We’ll get through this, God wills.

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Till then, may peace be upon you.

The world: Now and then.

There really isn’t one education system which fits all. As such our sizes and shapes, our ability to learn and passion differs pretty much the same.

I still remember, my brother has loved playing with computers since the day my parents brought home one. He dismantled our microwave oven, he installed a doorbell for his room, he got himself a Nokia N-GAGE while I was raving for some slider phone and some never ending other things.

While I was a higher academic achiever than him, he excelled in something that was not a hype back then. He was constantly compared in terms of academic achievements. I thought he was not affected by it because he lived his life as if nothing really happened. Until one day, when he collected his SPM’s results and I saw his teary eyes. He did badly for one of the subjects and I couldn’t think of a way to cheer him up because the brother that I knew had always been cheerful, strong-headed and proof against naysayers.

Years after, he is now happy with his work. He has finally found a place where his passion and expertise are well-recognised and highly appreciated. I am happy for him.

I had a thought, if my brother were to be borne in today’s generation, would he be saved from being compared and would his talent be recognised and groomed so much earlier? That is likely the case.

Today, everything is about technology advancement. The better you are at learning the software algorithm, the smarter people would see you. If you could get your hands on coding and software development, you are off to great things. These are some of my brother’s talents that I wish I have.

I realise that what the society regards as “successful” merely is an indication of what the society needs. 20 years ago, the needs for programmer was not as crucial and thus, children with such talent are often underestimated. Now that the world is moving towards everything digital, these children who are now adults are the ones thriving.

An important reminder to me and the expecting parents, never belittle your child’s talent and interest. God has made us unique and that is for us to celebrate.

Till then, may peace be upon you.

July, 24th

Unlike my friends, I had it hard. *but of course, everyone had it hard. Just cut me some slack will ya?

I’ve always wanted to study abroad. I worked hard for it only to find that, I am to study at a local university despite my qualifications. I took it hard and cried for days.

When I finally had the chance to spread my wings, I had to let go of my most treasured reality. I took it even harder and cried for months. The feeling still lingers every now and then.

But I know, there is not a thing that could turn back the time. So I look forward to build a redefined life with what is left from the crumble and the bricks that I picked up along the journey. Not to throw it to anyone else, but to build a home that is worth all the struggles.

Kbye.

June, 26th

“And it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you.”

(2:216)

I have been putting it off for months because I have trouble coming to terms that I will have to put another dream of mine to rest. Today, I did it, sorrowfully. I withdrew my application from my alma mater for a postgraduate study despite being offered a place. Due to circumstances, I had to pull out.

It might look easy to some, but it is not for me. I knew that someday I would have to face the truth but I am never ready for it. I kept on hoping that somehow I would find a way, but I couldn’t turn my back on my supervisor.

Perhaps, this is just another episode of my life teaching me to make do of what I have and not look at what I have lost.

Till then, may peace be upon us.

June, 7th

Many would have thought that she is nothing but a snob.

Many would have seen her nothing but a small cameo in their life.

Many would have remembered her as a passerby.

To those many,

She is someone with a forgotten name.

Deep inside her wrecked heart is a beautiful soul,

Overwhelmed with the cold and dark emotions trained by the harsh world.

She sings herself to not believe in anyone,

So she’ll never have to ache.

Alas, life is never simple.

She is called out for her solitude.