Troubled mind

How do you know when to stop?

There was an incident when a member wasn’t content with something. The decision was entirely made by the person-in-charge. I wasn’t involved although I did offer to help but no, my help wasn’t needed. The PIC wanted to do it on her own because it’s her job and we both agreed that my ‘power’ is nullified when I’m in her territory – sorting the teams was not within my ability. In order to respect the PIC, I backed out and played no role in sorting the teams.

However, since I was the leader, I was held responsible for everything. So, this lady texted me and poured out her dissatisfaction. I knew too little to tell her anything – why was she placed in that team, why those people weren’t in the same team, what were the qualifications to be in that or this team. The only thing everyone was told before the final list was published,

Don’t be disheartened and do not think that one team is better than the other. I tried my best to place people in their rightful positions and to accommodate those who are lacking. Both teams would have strengths and weaknesses but they’re hopefully overcame with the help of each member.”

I knew that when the PIC said that, I had to be prepared for any team I’m in. I had an open mind and heart. It wasn’t the case for this particular lady. Initially she said she understood that it’s due to her lacking. Then, she kept on pushing me to reason, or perhaps she was only wanting to speak nasty. I tried to console her. It could take me hours to tell every detail but I’ll save it for now. When I knew I couldn’t take it anymore, I asked her politely to consult the PIC. She refused and was stern on her decision to withdraw – two days before the competition.

I knew I won’t be able to talk her through. Thus, I stopped texting her. She wasn’t looking for a discussion. She was right outrageous and mad. Her words were hurtful and selfish. The fact she was attacking me and refused talking to the PIC showed that (1) she was scared of the PIC and (2) she was looking down on me. The fact that she couldn’t accept the result suggested that (1) she was self-centred, (2) irresponsible and (3) childish.

Truth is, she wasn’t the only person who wanted to be in the other team. However, the others were able to sooth themselves and take it positively. They were able to convey the message without causing any issue. One of them came to me and said, “I do personally feel that the decision is loop-sided but it is okay. There must be a reason why I am placed here and not there. I am still going to play.” That was about it. Things weren’t dragged or complicated.

Readers, I know that sometimes we face tough times but it’s not okay to pour it out on someone else. If you find that it doesn’t suit you, have a nice chat. Don’t instantaneously jump into conclusion. Find the right person to talk to. We have to be ready for any outcomes when we start doing something. If you are not willing to handle the possibilities, then, don’t even start. Be responsible with whatever you do.

Till then, may peace be upon you.


My Life

I never thought that I’d be experiencing K-drama stereotype of college-student-heroine life. Well, of course not the handsome and rich boyfriend part.

If you watch K-drama, then you’d probably notice that the writers (almost) always depict the college-student heroine to have financial struggle. She has to work part time job(s) to cover her expenses and also because she doesn’t want to trouble her family (or the family can’t afford to help). She lives on a tight budget. As a solution, the heroine eats ramyun (instant noodle) as her staple.

I was updating my work schedule, calculating my possible earning, planning when to revise and squeezing in all the deadlines – basically adjusting my schedule and preparing myself. That was when I had a flashback of the dramas I’ve watched. Who knew I’d be able to feel what those fictional characters felt?

I don’t feel bad when I realise that I am different from my peers. Instead, I feel proud of myself. I’m doing things that others will only do in at least 2 years. I’ve grown in that aspect. I hope so.

Working while studying isn’t easy even if you just have to sit behind the counter. Most people don’t get the complete idea of my job scope. They assume I only have to assist students and put the books onto the shelves. Little did they know that assisting students require you to pay attention to the student and leave whatever you’re doing. People don’t come in bulk. They are intermittent. 10 minutes after the first student, the 2nd walks in. Then, when you’re about to read a book, the 3rd comes. Then, 5 minutes later the fourth knocks in.If you’re not patient enough, you’re going to be mad when the 5th student asks for your help.

Secondly, arranging books aren’t simple. There’s code you’d have to follow. Apart from being alphabetically ordered, it has to be the same edition, then, arranged based on its copy number. It becomes tiresome when you thought you’re done but as you walk pass each rack, you find something odd. Bammm! Why does a 616 book sit on a 610 shelve? It becomes more challenging when your partner aren’t as neat as you are. They simply shove the books in and get it done instantly and you on the other side thinking that you’re an old turtle who works very slowly. But the results is obvious. Your side is legit neat!

So far, I am still enjoying my life as a student and a part-time worker. Although sometimes it takes a toll on me but I am teaching myself to look at the bright side. Rather than whining of not having money or worrying that people will look down on me or worse, asking for sympathy, I will work on my own. I thank God for showing me the way. If it wasn’t for Him, I might still be the constantly anxious girl.

“With every hardship, there’s ease”

Till then, may peace be upon you!

Finding balance: Considerate

It’s easier to confront your enemy than your friends.

In my case, it takes full anger to actually be able to spill the beans to both. I wasn’t so kind when I was younger. I used to be able to speak my mind without really care what others think. But, I guess maturation made me realise that I have to consider others too.

Being considerate is a good thing because, let’s face it, we don’t have the whole world to ourselves. However, at times, it’s hard to be considerate when (1) things are coherently wrong, (2) its jeopardising us, (3) we are taken for granted.

#1: There’d be a time when we have to make choices. Somehow, we know that one is better than the other. Since being considerate is considered adult, we ought to choose the less favoured one but has mutual benefit. We have to be satisfied with the choice even if our heart wants the other way. Brain wins over heart. However, when one choice is vividly wrong, then, honesty is virtue. We have to stand up for ourselves and break the silence (if ever there is). This brings us to point #2.

#2: I used to think we have to give our all to help others. I was wrong. We should always put ourselves first and then, try to help others as much as we could. Of course, we will look noble if we are being selfless. But again, define selfless. Don’t we have a value too? Why does others matter more than we do? If we are all equal, then, we have a value too. So, why not do our self a favour first, then only do it for others. If you find that giving charity is defining you, then, that’s your value. If you find that, spending some alone time makes you, you; then that’s your value. In short, whatever defines us and gives us satisfaction, that’s our value. Or in other cases, if making a certain decision puts us at stake of being fired, blamed, failed, etc. which in the end making us miserable, then we don’t have to be a yes-man anymore. In short, when others are trying to stray us away from our value or jeopardising us, that is when we stop being considerate. We mould our lives, not others. They can only influence but it’s us who’s going to allow it or not.

#3: Everyone will make full use of everything they have. It’s called manipulation. It’s both sweet and bitter. It’s really good when we are able to capitalise on everything we have in hand. For example, we have eggs, flour and some sugar. Instead of bugging others to buy us food, we can make our own pancakes. Or if we don’t have money, then we work for it rather than borrowing it from others. On the other hand, there are people who take advantage of others (manipulating others) for their own sake. These are people who make it difficult to be considerate. They may or may not realise what they’re doing; or it could be us who’s the predator so we have to check ourselves too. If we’re asking too much, too frequent, too hard, whatever too there is, then we might be taking advantage of others. Everytime we ask for a favour, ask ourselves first, if we’re in their situation, what’d we do? Have we done anything that deserves their courtesy? Have they even ask us something similar? Are they at the capacity to do such thing? Are we being selfish? Sometimes, considerate people look vulnerable because they can’t say NO. The perks of saying “yeah, sure” for most of the times is it gives others the opinion that, they’re fine with everything. Believe me, these people have feelings and at times, they’re pushed to being overly considerate because they don’t want to hurt others’ feelings.

This isn’t me being unhappy with my life. I am thankful with the life I have. Rather, I am writing to let others know: There’s always a balance in everything. We have to be considerate to others but there’s a limit. We can ask from others but there’s a fine line between asking a favour and dropping an instruction. Tips: favours/helps/assistance can always be declined and we shouldn’t put our hopes too high. Let’s live a better life, shall we?

May peace, be upon you.


A review: Goblin

Recently, I’ve finished watching a Korean series i.e. Goblin. Despite finding that some of the scenes were too fictional, I enjoyed watching it.

Perhaps it’s due to me studying human brain at the moment, I find that the writer(s) somehow did some scientific research. This is one of the attributes I admire in Korean entertainment. The information relayed are mostly based on research and not by mere guessing.

There was one episode in Goblin where the heroin lost her memory. She’d cry when it’s raining, she’d subconsciously answer to ‘strangers’, she’d go to places and not feeling estranged, etc. I wonder what was the science behind this.

Apparently, human has two types of memories. Explicit and implicit.

Explicit memories are memories you can convey, recall and explain verbally or in writing.

Implicit memories, however, is the total opposite. Muscle memory is one of it. A dancer could’ve not been dancing for years but she/he could still pull the move albeit being slightly awkward. These are the things which the logic brain could not explain.

I guess that is what happening to in that particular episode of Goblin.

I’ll continue writing soon. Hopefully.

May peace be upon you!