Dear Job,

Hello! Welcome to 2019!

As of the time I am writing this, I have less than a day before my birthday. I feel so old now that I am approaching 30. If you have read my previous posts, you would probably know that I have just started working and am struggling with this new job.

I have been thinking for days whether to stay or leave. I don’t like the fact that I don’t know what I’m doing. I looked for online tutorials and even asked my colleagues but they couldn’t help me. It just doesn’t feel right. Sometimes, I felt really uncomfortable to go to work because I knew I would end up reading articles upon articles and browse the internet throughout the day. I felt as if I don’t deserve to be there, I wasn’t happy nor I approved whatever slacking off I did.

Could it be because I am not ready for work? More often than not, I want to have a vacation – something I promised myself after graduation, but never really had the chance to.

I went to a clinic this evening because of some ear problem – I am now paranoid of any ear discomfort after the terrible incident of otitis externa turning into ear perforation and it’s still not healed. I had a lengthy consultation with the doctors, yes plural, there were two doctors attending me. So, they started of by taking my medical history and proceeded with looking into my ears and talking me through my concerns. Then, my mom started to ask more about my skin condition at the mentioned of it.

Since there were two doctors, I kind of talked with one and Mom talked with the other, because apparently she’s more interested to know about my skin condition whilst I was dead worried of my ears. But of course, we then talked as a unit. The doctors were very helpful and accommodating. They were actually doing their work properly. They weren’t in a hurry to finish off the consultation (could probably because we were the only ones there) and, Mom and I felt reassured by them.

As I was telling them everything I know about my ear problem – getting blocked nose and the ear went weird again, one of the doctors was really excited, he literally said, “Oh, I know why” with a big grin on his face – you know the kind when kindergartners feel so proud at being able to answer their teachers? – yeah, that kind of grin. I am not exaggerating but that really happened.

Then I realised, they looked really happy with their job that they probably didn’t feel ‘burdened’ by it. They were willing to guide us all the way through and not showing a single bit of annoyance because we were in their room for too long. It made me reflect on myself, they knew their purpose and they knew what they were doing. They found value in their work. I’ve been to both private and government clinics and hospitals – regardless of which, they both have good and there-is-room-for-improvement doctors. So, it really isn’t about being government funded or privately owned clinics, but it’s really about the doctors themselves.

I think the same goes to me, to us, to everyone. We ought to know why we are doing what we’re doing in order to appreciate it and be able to give back to society. As for me, it could be that I really am not fit for this job or it could be a transition period. Naturally, I have loads to learn and things aren’t moving as fast I would like it to be, but I want to believe that there will be light at the end of this tunnel. God bless!

Till then, may peace be upon you.