Cursing

I curse a lot. More often I curse alone. There’s a temporary satisfaction to it. The satisfaction then turns into guilt and embarrassment. A respectable man once said,

Filthy language is used by people who don’t have maturity or intelligence to express themselves with better words.

– Nouman Ali Khan

At times, it’s very hard to control our anger and disappointment. Many resort to using foul words to express it. The angrier they get, the harsher the words. Thing as simple as dropping a cup could trigger a person to say ‘sh**’. Do your maths what would be uttered if someone hit one’s car.

I had (still having) a very challenging days where one of my group mate was not cooperating. It could be my overthinking skill to question his reasons but I still gave him chances to prove me wrong. One day, I had enough. I had to get him out of my way and put this to an end. So, I emailed the lecturer in charge to inform and hoping for a solution i.e. to exclude him from the group. I was disappointed with the response. The lecturer asked me to proceed and do nothing about the guy. Lecturer was saying “let’s not drop anyone for now. It’s a good chance for you to learn how to handle the group. Let the person decides based on his consciousness”.

#$^%^&*@%$^??????

…and here I am, talking all by myself, “Ahha, excuse me. I’ve done everything I could to get him involved. If he’s not replying or picking up calls or showing up, what more can I do? Go to his freaking house?!”

Then my brother told me to just let it go. You do you, I do me. It was hard. Still is. But, the willingness to let go, gave me so much peace. I knew that the guy could be worse and was already thinking all of the possible scenes during our presentation day. I was a mad pessimistic lady. It wasn’t helpful. I couldn’t concentrate on my works. I felt uneasy and there was a constant resentment to that guy.

Then, my brother came in and stroke me straight up, “Halting your work because of one problematic person, isn’t a good trait of leadership and team work. There’s always someone who has to do shit but why would you let that stop you.” I laughed at myself. Ooohh, that hurts. Okay abang. Silenced by the strong wisdom.

Didn’t know that my brother could sense my overwhelming stress (I didn’t think it’s stress. More of an anger and fighting for justice). Even I tried to deny it – but I’m a horrible actor, so eventually everyone knows.

Anyway, after the unsatisfactory reply from the lecturer, I prompted the lecturer with a more close-end and straightforward question, “Kindly advise me and the others regarding this matter” and CC-ed to the dean (cause the lecturer said he had discussed it with the dean). Then only I receive a clear-cut answer. Basically, we’re going to have a feedback sheet and we could mark our group members. So, that’s reassuring enough.

Do keep in mind that the decision was agreed by the other member and was a result after discussing with the deputy dean (deputy dean was acting as our adviser) who also advised us to report to the assigned lecturer.

During this period, I’ve said countless cursing words. I was so angry because I couldn’t tolerate such behaviour. However, I managed to be professional when talking to him as not to spark any nonsense arguments because,

The moment you start arguing with an ignorant fool, you have already lost.

-Saidina Ali

In the end, I learned a thing or two. You have to try your best but when it doesn’t work, you have to understand that it’s no longer your fight. Just like the classic rabbit and turtle, you have to carry on with what’s best for you and don’t let the arrogant rabbit stops you from reaching the finishing line.

Until then, may peace be upon us.

What is this service!?

I guess I’m quite a fussy customer because I belief that everyone deserves to get the best service, or at least equal to anyone else who pays the same price.

IT gadget service provider:

In my previous post I mentioned that my keyboard wasn’t working and apparently, I had to send it twice. Today, I went to collect my laptop and albeit the buttons are softer now, the space-bar key is still not working properly. The technician said that it couldn’t be help. I am mad. But I’ve lost hope for them. I plan to go to the center and ask for their second opinion.

Dermatologist:

I went to this established private dermatology clinic. You can see their advertisements on highway billboards. They were on TV and tabloids too. God, they left such a great first impression.

I traveled for over an hour to consult the founder. Alas, I was given very bad consultation. Mind that I didn’t tell the doctor that I’ve actually seen another specialist because I didn’t want to influence his decision.

M: Hi doc. I’ve got a condition. I went to GP and they prescribed me with such-and-such treatment. But it’s getting worse now and I couldn’t take it anymore.

D: Oh, how long has it been? Where else do you have it? Is there any trigger? Oh, this  might be this condition.

M: Can you explain it to me, please?

D: Urm, it’s a skin disease. Many people have it.

M: How did that happen?

D: Well, it’s when your skin replenishes fast.

….

I didn’t like the consultation. He didn’t bother to tell me anything. I had to ask him everything. I paid him hundreds for such a lousy service. He prescribed me with a very strong medications because every time I apply the cream, my skin shrinks (you know the thing you have when you’re in pool for too long). That was the last time I went to see him. Now, whenever people ask me about the clinic, I told them to forget it.

ENT specialist:

I had clogged ear. I went to a clinic and they weren’t solving my problem. So, I went to see a specialist. Everything was fine until the doctor went overboard with his conversation.

D: Are you still a student?

M: Yes.

D: You’re quite old to be a student. What are you studying?

M: -my course-

D: That’s a boring course. What’s your job perspective? Shouldn’t you have graduated. (counting with his finger) Yep, if it’s a 4-year program, you should’ve graduated few years ago. Did you started late?

M: (I was already annoyed) Yes, I did. I can become this and that.

D: Oh dear, that’s really boring – stuck in a room for  long time. Uffffff… It’s really is boring, innit?

Mind that he repeated the word “boring” a few times. It really got onto my nerves. But I had to hold it in cause I need him to suck the water out of my ear.

I really don’t understand why would a person, so educated, be so ignorant. I am your patient, the hospital’s customer. I paid for the service and did no wrong to you whatsoever.

Here’s what I have to say:

Regardless of who we are, we have to respect others. Everyone makes their own choice  because it’s their life. Not everyone enjoys being a doctor; be in medical school for 5 years, getting tortured for 2 years, having limited time with the loved ones and losing a few more years to build the career. Some people may even view being a medical practitioner as something lousy, nerdy and pitiful. The way we see life is not the same with everyone. I respect the profession,  in fact any profession. I was taught to respect everyone not just someone.

Here’s a piece of advise for myself, and others.

Don’t get trailed when you are at the top because who knows when things are going to tumble. Don’t brag when you have everything because it won’t last. Don’t belittle others because one day, you might be working for that person.

Until then, may peace be upon you.

Hard times

Tough times don’t last, tough people do.

More often than not, I have a terrible feeling when reminiscing my bad decision a few years ago. I still am facing the consequence. It is sometimes very hard to find the silver linings in it or rather I forget to be thankful with I have become of it.

When I hit rock bottom and reality stroke me, it was never pleasant. I kept comparing myself with others, I kept on thinking of the ‘what ifs’, I blame so many things and people for what had happened. I thought I’ve moved on but really, what is this alien feeling?

Everything happens for a reason. We don’t have to wait for it to make sense to start believing fate.

In hard times, it is only endurable when one has a source of strength. The strength could be anything; God, parents, children, future, promises, purpose of life.

Some people opt to end their precious life. Here is what I have to say.

You may do whatever you want because it is your life. The big question is, “Is it really yours? Did you create it? Was it you who made it?”. To die for a reason that is not worth dying for, what exactly are you trying to show? If it’s to run from a problem, shame or disappointment, is it really worth it?

What will happen to your loved ones? Your family. Your friends. Your cats and dogs and birds and fish and whatever it is you’re keeping as companion. Why would you be so selfish? Why do you have to live in your own bubble that you fail to recognise the beautiful things OUTSIDE of it.

Really, committing suicide isn’t the best solution for anything. There’s always a solution for everything, God wills. We have to believe in the higher power because human is limited in everything. That’s why we were created and not creating.

Keyboard

Adulthood is really catching up on me.

Today alone, I have to spend 250 bucks to get my keyboard fixed-talking about price hike and deflation.

A new built in keyboard and a lot of money. Doesn’t really suit a student’s pocket but I needed to get it fixed for school. That’s also the reason I’m writing this post- to test the God-knows-why-it’s-so-expensive buttons. So far, I am yet to adjust to its relatively hard and insensitive button. Hope that I could get the hang of it in short while. *err hello Mr Spacebar, why aren’t you making a space like you’re supposed to?!

Anyway, I believe that there could be a better deal somewhere else but I paid the price for being a bimbo who went straightway to just one shop.

It hurts me so much that it costs me my budget for the whole month.

So guys, if you are still a child or under your parents’ care, stop whining on why you’re still using iPhone 5. Money doesn’t come easily. Your parents are NOT your money-making machine. They are only supposed to equip us with the basic necessities. As long as you have a fully function phone, that is more than enough. Desires are devils if they’re not controlled.

Until then, appreciate what you already have. That is a key to happiness.

May peace be upon you.

Troubled mind

How do you know when to stop?

There was an incident when a member wasn’t content with something. The decision was entirely made by the person-in-charge. I wasn’t involved although I did offer to help but no, my help wasn’t needed. The PIC wanted to do it on her own because it’s her job and we both agreed that my ‘power’ is nullified when I’m in her territory – sorting the teams was not within my ability. In order to respect the PIC, I backed out and played no role in sorting the teams.

However, since I was the leader, I was held responsible for everything. So, this lady texted me and poured out her dissatisfaction. I knew too little to tell her anything – why was she placed in that team, why those people weren’t in the same team, what were the qualifications to be in that or this team. The only thing everyone was told before the final list was published,

Don’t be disheartened and do not think that one team is better than the other. I tried my best to place people in their rightful positions and to accommodate those who are lacking. Both teams would have strengths and weaknesses but they’re hopefully overcame with the help of each member.”

I knew that when the PIC said that, I had to be prepared for any team I’m in. I had an open mind and heart. It wasn’t the case for this particular lady. Initially she said she understood that it’s due to her lacking. Then, she kept on pushing me to reason, or perhaps she was only wanting to speak nasty. I tried to console her. It could take me hours to tell every detail but I’ll save it for now. When I knew I couldn’t take it anymore, I asked her politely to consult the PIC. She refused and was stern on her decision to withdraw – two days before the competition.

I knew I won’t be able to talk her through. Thus, I stopped texting her. She wasn’t looking for a discussion. She was right outrageous and mad. Her words were hurtful and selfish. The fact she was attacking me and refused talking to the PIC showed that (1) she was scared of the PIC and (2) she was looking down on me. The fact that she couldn’t accept the result suggested that (1) she was self-centred, (2) irresponsible and (3) childish.

Truth is, she wasn’t the only person who wanted to be in the other team. However, the others were able to sooth themselves and take it positively. They were able to convey the message without causing any issue. One of them came to me and said, “I do personally feel that the decision is loop-sided but it is okay. There must be a reason why I am placed here and not there. I am still going to play.” That was about it. Things weren’t dragged or complicated.

Readers, I know that sometimes we face tough times but it’s not okay to pour it out on someone else. If you find that it doesn’t suit you, have a nice chat. Don’t instantaneously jump into conclusion. Find the right person to talk to. We have to be ready for any outcomes when we start doing something. If you are not willing to handle the possibilities, then, don’t even start. Be responsible with whatever you do.

Till then, may peace be upon you.

My Life

I never thought that I’d be experiencing K-drama stereotype of college-student-heroine life. Well, of course not the handsome and rich boyfriend part.

If you watch K-drama, then you’d probably notice that the writers (almost) always depict the college-student heroine to have financial struggle. She has to work part time job(s) to cover her expenses and also because she doesn’t want to trouble her family (or the family can’t afford to help). She lives on a tight budget. As a solution, the heroine eats ramyun (instant noodle) as her staple.


I was updating my work schedule, calculating my possible earning, planning when to revise and squeezing in all the deadlines – basically adjusting my schedule and preparing myself. That was when I had a flashback of the dramas I’ve watched. Who knew I’d be able to feel what those fictional characters felt?

I don’t feel bad when I realise that I am different from my peers. Instead, I feel proud of myself. I’m doing things that others will only do in at least 2 years. I’ve grown in that aspect. I hope so.

Working while studying isn’t easy even if you just have to sit behind the counter. Most people don’t get the complete idea of my job scope. They assume I only have to assist students and put the books onto the shelves. Little did they know that assisting students require you to pay attention to the student and leave whatever you’re doing. People don’t come in bulk. They are intermittent. 10 minutes after the first student, the 2nd walks in. Then, when you’re about to read a book, the 3rd comes. Then, 5 minutes later the fourth knocks in.If you’re not patient enough, you’re going to be mad when the 5th student asks for your help.

Secondly, arranging books aren’t simple. There’s code you’d have to follow. Apart from being alphabetically ordered, it has to be the same edition, then, arranged based on its copy number. It becomes tiresome when you thought you’re done but as you walk pass each rack, you find something odd. Bammm! Why does a 616 book sit on a 610 shelve? It becomes more challenging when your partner aren’t as neat as you are. They simply shove the books in and get it done instantly and you on the other side thinking that you’re an old turtle who works very slowly. But the results is obvious. Your side is legit neat!

So far, I am still enjoying my life as a student and a part-time worker. Although sometimes it takes a toll on me but I am teaching myself to look at the bright side. Rather than whining of not having money or worrying that people will look down on me or worse, asking for sympathy, I will work on my own. I thank God for showing me the way. If it wasn’t for Him, I might still be the constantly anxious girl.

“With every hardship, there’s ease”

Till then, may peace be upon you!

Finding balance: Considerate

It’s easier to confront your enemy than your friends.

In my case, it takes full anger to actually be able to spill the beans to both. I wasn’t so kind when I was younger. I used to be able to speak my mind without really care what others think. But, I guess maturation made me realise that I have to consider others too.

Being considerate is a good thing because, let’s face it, we don’t have the whole world to ourselves. However, at times, it’s hard to be considerate when (1) things are coherently wrong, (2) its jeopardising us, (3) we are taken for granted.

#1: There’d be a time when we have to make choices. Somehow, we know that one is better than the other. Since being considerate is considered adult, we ought to choose the less favoured one but has mutual benefit. We have to be satisfied with the choice even if our heart wants the other way. Brain wins over heart. However, when one choice is vividly wrong, then, honesty is virtue. We have to stand up for ourselves and break the silence (if ever there is). This brings us to point #2.

#2: I used to think we have to give our all to help others. I was wrong. We should always put ourselves first and then, try to help others as much as we could. Of course, we will look noble if we are being selfless. But again, define selfless. Don’t we have a value too? Why does others matter more than we do? If we are all equal, then, we have a value too. So, why not do our self a favour first, then only do it for others. If you find that giving charity is defining you, then, that’s your value. If you find that, spending some alone time makes you, you; then that’s your value. In short, whatever defines us and gives us satisfaction, that’s our value. Or in other cases, if making a certain decision puts us at stake of being fired, blamed, failed, etc. which in the end making us miserable, then we don’t have to be a yes-man anymore. In short, when others are trying to stray us away from our value or jeopardising us, that is when we stop being considerate. We mould our lives, not others. They can only influence but it’s us who’s going to allow it or not.

#3: Everyone will make full use of everything they have. It’s called manipulation. It’s both sweet and bitter. It’s really good when we are able to capitalise on everything we have in hand. For example, we have eggs, flour and some sugar. Instead of bugging others to buy us food, we can make our own pancakes. Or if we don’t have money, then we work for it rather than borrowing it from others. On the other hand, there are people who take advantage of others (manipulating others) for their own sake. These are people who make it difficult to be considerate. They may or may not realise what they’re doing; or it could be us who’s the predator so we have to check ourselves too. If we’re asking too much, too frequent, too hard, whatever too there is, then we might be taking advantage of others. Everytime we ask for a favour, ask ourselves first, if we’re in their situation, what’d we do? Have we done anything that deserves their courtesy? Have they even ask us something similar? Are they at the capacity to do such thing? Are we being selfish? Sometimes, considerate people look vulnerable because they can’t say NO. The perks of saying “yeah, sure” for most of the times is it gives others the opinion that, they’re fine with everything. Believe me, these people have feelings and at times, they’re pushed to being overly considerate because they don’t want to hurt others’ feelings.

This isn’t me being unhappy with my life. I am thankful with the life I have. Rather, I am writing to let others know: There’s always a balance in everything. We have to be considerate to others but there’s a limit. We can ask from others but there’s a fine line between asking a favour and dropping an instruction. Tips: favours/helps/assistance can always be declined and we shouldn’t put our hopes too high. Let’s live a better life, shall we?

May peace, be upon you.

 

A review: Goblin

Recently, I’ve finished watching a Korean series i.e. Goblin. Despite finding that some of the scenes were too fictional, I enjoyed watching it.

Perhaps it’s due to me studying human brain at the moment, I find that the writer(s) somehow did some scientific research. This is one of the attributes I admire in Korean entertainment. The information relayed are mostly based on research and not by mere guessing.

There was one episode in Goblin where the heroin lost her memory. She’d cry when it’s raining, she’d subconsciously answer to ‘strangers’, she’d go to places and not feeling estranged, etc. I wonder what was the science behind this.

Apparently, human has two types of memories. Explicit and implicit.

Explicit memories are memories you can convey, recall and explain verbally or in writing.

Implicit memories, however, is the total opposite. Muscle memory is one of it. A dancer could’ve not been dancing for years but she/he could still pull the move albeit being slightly awkward. These are the things which the logic brain could not explain.

I guess that is what happening to in that particular episode of Goblin.

I’ll continue writing soon. Hopefully.

May peace be upon you!

Stop Barking at The Wrong Tree

Sometimes, people are being too selfish.

Coercing others to grant their wish.

Asking an illiterate somebody to read for you.

Asking a child to make adult decision for you.

Asking a car-less somebody to fetch you.

Asking a penniless somebody to work it for you.

Asking a busy somebody to have a chat with you.

Asking a homeless person to shower for you.

Forcing the world to revolve around YOU.

Don’t you know that the Earth revolves around its own axis?

So why can’t you do you; and let us exist?

The same people would preach about somebody else’s lives.

As if they are that somebody’s wives.

They say that bunch has no shame.

Little did they know, they are quite the same.

They say they couldn’t ride public unless it Boeing.

Little did they know, they hurt others feelings.

They say “I want to do it for the people”

Little did they know, they’re illegal.

Don’t come and ask “Is it me?”,

Cause this is read by ‘we’.

Here’s a piece of advice; for free,

Why don’t you bark at the correct tree?

Curi tulang

Dear my future self,

Today, you witnessed another unethical act. Your shift-partner apparently manipulated the trust your employee gave to him. He came in 43 minutes late but still claim he came on time. Although he was in the compound but he’s not at his workplace. So, that doesn’t count. If that’s legit, then I could be snoring in the rec-room.

Now, he’s making an excuse of having a backache and slumping on the bean bag, next to his sweetheart.

I am mad. But I don’t know how to tell him nicely. That is one thing I have to learn.

Truth is, I have been annoyed by several occasions. He was almost always late for 5 to 15 minutes and I tried to understand him. However, this particular day, I was late by 5 minutes and he started to text me. Well, maybe he’s just reminding.

When we’re working, he always had his girl sitting at the counter as well. So, when there’s a customer, I had to do it most of the time.

Plus, we were reminded that if we inevitably need to discuss, we should be doing it at the social area which is next to the counter. Instead, he chose to discuss at the counter.

Logically, if you need to discuss, wouldn’t it be better to do if before or after your working hours? Why do it whilst working? You aren’t paid for that. If you hate your job so much, quit it. Ironically, he will take up any replacements. I guess, he’s a money-monster.

I plan to text our supervisor. I hate to do it but he needs to be advised.

So, future Alya, don’t make the same mistakes. You have to do your job even if it’s merely sitting behind the counter. That’s what you are paid for.

You shall not mix your personal matter with your work unless you really need to. In other words, be professional.

Till then, may my heart finds peace.