Dear heart,

It is 2013 all over again.

5 years ago, my newsfeed was flooded with passport photos. I was devastated as most of my friends claimed their wings to fly abroad and I was tied to the ground. I still remember sitting at the side of my bed, sinking my face into the pillow just so people won’t hear me sobbing. There’s no word to describe the agony.

5 years later, my newsfeed is flooded with “Officially, Dr ….” posts. In all honesty, I am both happy for them and sad that I’m not one.

As I am writing this, I am patiently telling myself to be okay.

“Despite being depressed and distraught by getting kicked out of the Beatles, as he grew older he learned to reprioritize what he cared about and was able to measure his life in a new light. Because of this, Best grew into a happy and healthy old man, with an easy life and great family -things that, ironically, the four Beatles would spend decades struggling to achieve or maintain.”

-Mark Manson

No matter how much regret I have, I won’t be able to turn back time. And because Oprah said a similar thing – failure is just life trying to move us in another direction, I will then have to embrace it as it is.

Lord,

Pardon me for I’ve forgotten. Help me to remain grateful for what I have in hand and to work for You, and only to You I repent.

Till then.

May I be awarded the best in life and hereafter. Amin.

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Not Your Typical: Girl

She.

I am unlike other girls. I don’t go into make-up stores to buy some expensive mascara or blusher. I’m not keen on finding a 24-hour lasting foundation. I can’t tell the difference between one eye palette from another.

I am unique.

I am wearing a pair of comfy trousers and black jumper with a pair of shoes. I walk into a bookstore. That is my therapy. Unlike my sisters, I crave for the woody scent coming from the papers. I walk down the aisle and grab a book on a half-price promotion. Before putting it down, I flip the pages and takes in the smell.

I travel deeper into the heart of the bookstore. I climb up the stairs, to the first floor. I walk through one shelve to another, reading the signages and trying to find an attractive book. I climb another floor and reach the top. There, I find more books that suit me but not the one that I want.

So, I descend to the ground floor. Search the book online and place my order. I have another book in my hand. I take my time before making my way to the till. I am contemplating if I should wait longer or if it’s possible to have my order ready by now.

Bracing myself, I ask the staff.

“I have just placed an online order. Do you think it’s possible to have it by now?”

“Can I have your last name, please?”

In the end, I pay for books and I am a happy girl.

Weird, but happy.

Alone, but not lonely.

That’s me. I don’t need a company going to my favourite shop.

Unlike many girls, I give myself the credit I deserve and not wait for someone else to do it for me.

Unlike many girls, I do myself my own favour and not worry others with my problems.

Unlike many girls, I do not dress to impress others, but me.

Unlike many girls, I live for my own life.

Third class or no class?

Night, the road was going quite. People were waiting at the bus stop, counting minutes to get home after a long day at work. Some were listening to the music, some were talking and I am no exception.

I was talking to an acquaintance. I struggled to understand her; it happened to most of the conversations we had. I concluded that she is nothing more than a pessimist, racist and one-sided bickerer. There’s always something wrong with someone else, there’s always this “Cause they didn’t do it, why should I” attitude, there’s always this “Oh, I don’t know, I’m not going to do it first” argument – they all led to my utter disappointment. I know the conversation isn’t going anywhere, and neither will she.

Don’t get me wrong, she is kind. However, her immaturity pushes me away. I used to chat frequently with her but that was then. Now, I just walk away, don’t bother to start nor stay in any possible irrelevant debate. I did it for my own sake.

That night at the bus stop was really the final dispute I’d ever handle with this human being. We were talking about someone whom I was suspicious of. She told me what she knew about her and I naturally asked who was the informer – just to check if I could really trust her. Suddenly, she got snapped.

“Do I really need to tell you everything? From A to Z? Which friend told me that, where did I get the info? Just listen, would you?”

Oh-oh. That was extremely rude to me. Speaking loudly just because no one would understand us. Had I not thought of her pride, I’d go as low as her.

Took a deep breath.

“You were saying you met the mother quite often. Then, you were saying your friend told you this and that. Now, I just want to know if I could trust whatever you’re telling me. You could be telling me a theory your friend created, and I don’t want to believe in speculations. If it’s their Mom who told you that, then fine. If not, maybe you shouldn’t be telling me these hypothetical stories.”

With that, the bus came. And we sinned that night for backbiting. I knew too much, more than I needed to.

I learned my lesson – never speak about someone else because it’ll never stop even if you want it to.




“Why are you suddenly speaking English?” asked a woman in her thirties.

Looked at her with utmost disbelieve.

What is so wrong with me speaking English? Is it because the person I talked to would understand Malay? You have barely met her, and you know nothing about her… Oh, wait. Should I cut some slack just cause you don’t know her? I wonder why you’re so irrelevant.

Looked at the person I was talking too. She wore the same expression. We both kept silent and continued eating.

That awkward smile you have trying to fix the situation, keep it.

I’m done.

Friends

“Every sweat that trickled down…”

She wrote that half a decade ago and Facebook reminded her of that. I came across the post and for a reason which I hate the most, I was touched.

We used to be friends but since we parted ways, we never really talk to each other anymore. So here I am, reminiscing the early moments of our friendship.


One night, I went to accompany my friend to see her friend. We drove for half an hour to reach there. When we arrived, she was waiting for us in the lobby. She was already in her PJs. We made our way to her room.

I was quiet most of the time. I spoke when asked, I listened most of the time – or maybe I was talkative. I can’t really tell. However, I remember what I felt. I had a hunch that we’re going to get along pretty well.

Soon enough, we were. I’d be looking for her first every time we gathered and she’d ask people for me if she couldn’t find me. When we sat together, there were plenty of things to talk about. We shared a lot in common, mainly food. We’d be the last two to finish the food and would always get hungry earliest. It was clear to everyone that we’re close.

I remember when we went for a camping, she would always sit behind me. She was the troop leader and at that time, something happened. She felt utterly responsible for it. Right after she publicly apologised, she sat down and cried. An awkward person I was, I could only stare. The rest of the girls were calming her down, telling her it’s alright and hugging her. One thing I did right was, I didn’t budge from my sit. I couldn’t care less about what people thought, I mean, try and shove me away. I’ll move then.

The mushy moment ended rather quickly as the facilitator had more things to say. It was meal time, and representatives from each group went to get the food for their respective group members. While people were busy doing their own stuff, I went to sit with her.

The only thing I asked was, “Teha okay?”. She cried again. I gave her a pat on the hand and waited for her to speak. As she was the troop leader, she wasn’t assigned to a group. That day, she chose to lunch with me.


We’re both busy and had different matters to attend. She was so far ahead of me in a society and naturally, we had less time to meet each other. Slowly, we drifted apart.

Things went downhill from then. There was one time when I hit rock bottom. I thought she’d contact me, she never did.

From a friend whom I could afford to share food with to a person whom I used to know, it sure is sad. To her, I wish nothing but the very best.


I was once asked about friendship and that was one of the hardest questions I’ve been asked on. If I remember correctly, I only have a few categories; best friends, friends and acquaintance. The next hardest question would be when someone asks me in which category are they in.

Oh, before I end this post.

A few years ago, my friend back in college asked me to choose the person who is closest to me. My answer hurt her so much that we didn’t talk for awhile. I don’t go around telling people who they are to me for one reason – I can’t afford to hurt.

Friends come and go, I’ve learned that much at least.

Till then, may peace be upon you.

Grateful

Which of your Lord’s favour would you deny?

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I was jam-packed with what seems to be a never ending race to perfection. I had financial issue, academic tasks and faced with so many uncertainties.

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Uncertainties are not my forte. I’m not good at waiting games. The word KIV is too much for me to handle.

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Why can’t it be certain? Is it a yes or a no? Are we or are we not? Now or later? If later, what time? Can you be specific, please?

.

As you can already tell, it has been a challenging March. My patience was tested, my reasonings were pushed to the limit, my courtesy was forced into place, and most of all, my reliance to God has finally reinstated.

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Let me rephrase that.

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My reliance on God has returned to its warranted level.

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I had forgotten the feeling of putting utter trust in God’s plan. Not that it’s wrong, but I’ve taught myself to have backup plans and it somehow led me thinking that I had it all controlled – if one doesn’t work, others will. So, my prayers weren’t as yearning as it should be and I cut some slacks in a lot of things.

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When I was in the state where I had no control, I knew there’s only one way to go; God.

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Now that one thing is out of the way, I am already happy. I could sense the change in my mood. My shoulders suddenly feel lighter and my chest isn’t as suffocating as it was.

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True, we are in charge of our life. However, to fuel our motivation in charging, we (read=me) need assurance that whichever route we’re taking, we’re not alone and if something goes wrong although we gave our best, we’ll be able to get through it.

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Till then, may peace be upon you.

Time out

Time really flies.

I obviously did not keep my last year’s resolution to insert photos in my posts. I personally think I won’t be able to keep up with that because I find it too personal. I know, lame.

Anyway, I have been on (read: struggling) rice-free diet. Rice is my staple so it’s really hard to stop consuming it at once. I tried to eat clean, exercise and drink a lot of plain water. Achievement partially unlocked.

I am currently rushing through my assignments but thought I needed a break because I am dozing off. That’s the reason for the title. A-ha, gotcha!

Okay.

I was reflecting a few moments ago. Why do I want to lose weight in the first place?

Firstly, for my own health. I realise I was getting bigger and heavier. I found some things were hard to do. I was also scared if I would develop poor diet-related diseases. I mean, c’mon, my body is getting older. I can’t afford eating chocolates all day and hope that I’ll get it out the next morning in the toilet. So, to the gym, I went to burn them.

Secondly, and perhaps the most self-conscious reason, to look good. I’m graduating soon and I’ll be attending job interviews (I hope) and the first impression is vital. I want to look presentable in the sense I look healthy, bright and energetic. I looked at the pictures of people going for job interviews. I realised candidates with crispy outfits (not necessarily expensive) and confident tend to secure the job as compared to people who probably paid less attention to their attire.

Thirdly, to stay young. My neighbour’s 70 y/o granny is as strong as a 55 y/o woman. She can walk without the walking stick and dress fine. Her secret: eat right and be active. So, to future older Alya, if you’re still strong at 70, thank me (the younger Alya).

Last but not the least, so I can buy clothes online. I really want to buy clothes from this particular online shop but they don’t have it in my size, or in some cases, I don’t look good in them. Once, I bought a really nice top. Everyone looked dashing in it. When I put it on, I looked like I’m wearing a sack. Funny story, the salesgirl actually said, “What’s wrong with this top” and she kept on adjusting it on me.

Wow, it takes a couple of paragraphs to reach my NY resolution: Live healthily.

Till then, peace be upon you.

p/s: I am still sleepy.

ps: Just checked my last year’s NY post. I wrote on the 6th Jan too, exactly a year ago.

By the way, here are my last year’s resolutions.

2017

Did: 2,3,5,6,7,8,9

Didn’t:1,4

Mother Earth

The world is getting older.

The people living in it are getting scarier.

On behalf of mankind, I apologise to you dear polar bears, trees, seas, birds, tigers, cats and the rest of the world, humans too.

I came across a video about wasted polar bear, scavenging the bin for food. It seemed so fragile, thin, weak and almost lifeless. The bear had to drag its limbs in hope to find something to satisfy its hunger, no, not really, it was begging for life. Why do they have to do that when they aren’t supposed to?

On another occasion, I saw a video where people thought it was funny when the cat was running, jumping up and down while a fireman was trying to ‘rescue’ it. There was a person laughing whilst the whole thing happened. Do you not realise the cat was terrified? The cat was running from one end to another and everytime it reached the window, the cat scratched the window so it could get in. But no, these brainless and heartless people were too stupid to see what was happening.

One time, it was all around the internet, the two-legged dog. The owner abusively force-trained the dog to walk on two limbs. Had he gone mad? Had he not learned zoology? Had he not been to the zoo? Had he lost his vision and senses? Where on earth had dogs born to walk on two limbs? Yet, people joyfully cheered and glorified the dog when in fact, the pet was in extremely distressing condition. Try walking with your hands, you bloody moron.

For greed, people do massive deforestation, sell things that aren’t theirs, do things that only reciprocate their own satisfactions and benefits. People are getting disgustingly selfish. Why can’t people get it into their head, this world isn’t theirs alone! We, share the Earth.

The disasters; hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, floods, droughts, wars – they are all because of mankind. Why do you need to leave the jungle naked? Let the trees grow and it will anchor the soil. Why do you need to cause so much carbon emission and lead the climate change? Let the world be and the ice won’t melt. The polar bears will then get its food.

People just don’t get it, or is it just me? There’s always a limit to everything. Yes, we need trees to make papers. Do it accordingly. Yes, we need buildings for people to live and work. Then, build things that people could actually afford, not buildings that will only add up to rich people’s assets.

Human has lost the humanity.

May the world gets better. No; may we learn from the mistakes before its too late.

Till then, may peace be upon you.

 

Text

Hurm, you know I’m extremely emotional when I write back to back.

This is a lesson I learned the hard way.

A few months ago, I had a misunderstanding with my friend. It’s all because of a text message. Bear in mind, I have nothing against social media and technology advancements. I find them very helpful to a certain extent. What happened on that day was I read the text in a skewed emotion. I felt as if she was being rude to me. It’s a norm in our culture (me and her) to ask permission before proceeding with something. Needless to say, I was taken aback when she acted differently. I took it to the heart. Things got tad complicated afterwards. Long story short, we confronted each other and the misunderstanding was resolved. Albeit not entirely.

We grow apart. We don’t talk as much, we don’t laugh to each other’s jokes anymore and it takes a lot of effort just to say hi. Funny how things could go wrong with just a text.

What can I say; once it’s done, it’s done. Damage has been done to our friendship. We’re not enemies but we aren’t exactly friends either. We’re more than just acquaintances. So, where do we stand?

To her, I am sorry.

Lesson learned.

Till then, may peace be upon you.

Leaving

I may not have the purest heart. In fact, I am struggling and I have been reflecting quite a lot these days.

Have you ever been in a situation where you know what you’re doing is wrong but you can’t help it? That is the sort of feelings I have.

I appreciate that everyone is different. We all require different things. The simplest thing; cleanliness. On one extreme, we have people with OCD and on the other end are people whom couldn’t care less. In between those two groups, are the rest of the world.

I, myself, am not an OCD. I took the test and I’m negative. It’s just that I like to have everything clean, ordered, placed properly and essentially, ready for whoever is using next. That’s just common sense, for me.

Our variety in characters are meant to be complemented. People complement each other like a jigsaw puzzle. I might be lacking in one area, so my friends will help me out and I’ll learn from them. Vice versa. Same thing if we’re talking about marriage. Things will only work out if both sides take responsibilities – takes two to tango.

However

The smallest matter would be disastrous if it’s not tackled. Theoretically, an empty cup is light when we first hold it. What if, we were to hold it for an hour without placing it down. Our arms will grow weaker. It’s not because the cup becomes heavier but because we are starting to lose our strength.

Because I believe in different personalities; I tried not to impose my belief on someone else. There were times when I just had to talk to someone for me to see from another angle.

It’s not easy and I fail to do it over and over again. At least, I tried. It’s hard to have a peace of heart when you consistently question other’s actions. “Why did he do that?”, “Why can’t she do this?”, “Why is it so hard to do this?” – I end up feeling exhausted trying to make sense of the world. In the end, I tell myself to just let it be. It is a heartache, still. Then again, problems aren’t solved that way. So, I braved myself and say it. Only to be answered with nonsense. This is when I know, I have to leave. So, I’m leaving.

Sorry

Everyone makes mistake.

For that, we’re always sorry.

But some people just don’t.

They either don’t acknowledge their mistake or they do, but don’t intend to improve.

For example, you’re always late to an appointment. You stood the other person up. Or, you say something but end up not doing it or delaying it.

The right thing to do is apologise. What isn’t right is, to keep doing the same mistake.

As I grow up, I learned that, saying you’re sorry is empty words until you prove you’re sorry. You may ask; how? Act like you are.

This is my take. If you’re sorry, that’s saying, you won’t do it again. For all the promises you made, you’re going to keep it. For all the words you say, you’re telling the truth. For all the errors you’ve made, you gonna amend it – at your best.

One of my pet peeves is breaking promises. I’ve experienced it my whole life. These people aren’t worth of my time. You did that twice (I give second chances), I’m done with you. For instance, two people whom had agreed to meet at 2 but one kept on delaying the meeting and in the end, didn’t meet at all – reason being, I didn’t see the time or I’m lazy or I was talking to someone. Nothing important.

Question.

Why do these kind of people exist?

I strongly advocate us to respect others; their time, money, effort, feelings, thoughts, etc.

Till then, be respectful.

May peace be upon you.