White lies

People lie to conceal.

I know I did.

Sometimes, lying is the only way to protect ourselves and/or the people around us. A mom has to lie saying that the new doll is ugly when in fact she can’t afford it. A sister has to pretend she’s OK because she has to put a smile on her younger siblings. Doctors have to act brilliant because the patients are relying on them.

Yesterday, I had a pep talk with my colleague. She said,

Life is fair.

I didn’t buy her. I know that life isn’t.  It’s just how nature works – or is it how we manipulate the world. In short, how we see things.

I have a feeling that I’m going to ramble in this post. I really do.

Okay, breathe in, breathe out.

White lies. I have been lied too many times than I could remember. AND. I have told numerous lies too. With every stage of life, the reason for me lying changes.

When I was a kid, I lied because I didn’t want to feel left out. When I was a teenager, I lied because I wanted to be free. When I was a young adult, I lied because I wasn’t ready to spill the bean. None of these reasons justify my action. I did it anyway for myself and hopefully for the people that I loved. – I lied. Again. I did it because I don’t want to be judged.

I knew all along that lying isn’t good. No one should live in lies. And I had been telling myself everytime I intend to fabricate things, lie doesn’t stop at one, it starts at one.

Things aren’t make easier if people were to be honest all the time. Truth hurts more at times. People go crazy over some newly-found facts, they regretted their curiosity. Would you be ready to be told that your long-time lover is attracted to your sexual attractiveness rather than your soul? Would you be fine to find out that the parents you knew are actually serial killers? Would you not get flustered to discover that your crush is actually your family?

Life is complicated. We’re entangled. We’re so diverse that it’s almost impossible to find a common ground.

Alas, that doesn’t serve as a reason for us to be ruthless and ignorant. No matter how hard life hits us, we have to get back on our foot. Regardless of how unjust things are, we have to move on. Make our lives better for our own, not for others.

Till then, may peace be upon you.

Sisters

I used to think that I’m closest to my brother and I dedicated a post for him in my previous blog.

Although I’m still close to my brother, I found a new sibling-friend; my sister. I’m 5 years older. So, we didn’t really have much things to talk about when we’re younger. I was always too old and she was always too young. So, there was nothing to talk about.

Time flies by. She started to copy my style and secretly adored me. Then she found her own style and defined herself without having my influence. After that, she started to pretend not to listen but silently agreed to my advises. Now, we’re sharing more things than we could ever imagine.

Out of the blue, she’d text me and recommend songs to listen to and I’d return the deed on some other day. I can now actually ask for her opinions on things that I want to buy. Recently, my mom called and told me to get rtw baju raya (basically new cloth for Eid celebration) with my sister cause she doubted that we’ve enough time for tailored ones. I asked her to go ahead and find theirs first. Then, my mom said that my sister wanted to go with me.

On another occasion, my sister was exhilarated when I told her that I’m coming home and asked her for a sisters-hangout. She obvs reached the mall earlier than I do. When I reached the mall, she was standing at the higher end of the escalator. She was wearing a really big smile and waved at me in the middle of the crowds. I doubt she was happy to see me but it was more like, “Yeay, I’m gonna have some fun time and eat everything I want and my sister is gonna pay for it all.” I personally think it was also because she got to experience what a young adult life is – to go shop without parents nor using their money. I – am honoured to be part of her grown up experience. I still remember wishing that I’d have a sister whom I can have girl talks. Now, I have one.

Till then, may peace be upon you.

p/s: Sure, we have disagreements but that makes us sisters. Sisters of our own identity – we have enough people mistaking us for one another.

Ripped

It was in my hand. I was happy to have it.

Until…

We sat for our last paper today. We were joyful, to a certain extent, because the questions were manageable. Then, we received an email saying that our essays (which was returned to us a month ago) had been remarked. I reached to the line when the lecturer actually apologise for releasing the marks earlier. At that moment I knew something wasn’t right.

The second marker came into picture and he decided to pull down my marks by more than 50%.

I felt robbed.

I thought I had it all in place. Things were going fine and I had the motivation to proceed. I was wrong. Feeling unjustly marked, I went to speak with the head of department/module leader. Well, most of the time I was quiet and the rest did the talking. I wanted to know so badly what had gone wrong and everyone was absolutely outrageous by the horrific incidence.

Truth is, I still can’t get over it and I don’t really know why do I feel so unsettled. I knew that partly it’s my fault but really, how ridiculous to have such different opinions from two markers from the same institute?

“That’s just how things work. We don’t take the average of those two marks. We take the one that we agreed on.” Yeah, only that the one you agreed on is the lower one, much lower.

It really takes its toll on me. I am extremely demotivated and today is supposedly a happy day because it’s the beginning of summer break.

Nonetheless, I try to see the silver lining. One thing for sure, God is teaching me for the third time, neither success nor failure is permanent. One second you’re on the top, the next time you’re at the bottom. Really, it takes consistent effort and everlasting faith to keep things up.

p/s: I could really use a venti Java chips of Starbucks with a caramel whipped cream now.

Cold-hearted

I am not quick to forgive.

There has always been a trend in news articles. One time, it was about rape, the other was about homicide, then there was child abandonment. Now, it’s time for bullying reports.

Not saying that the news aren’t good but the fact that people; precisely newspapers and local news authors, would only shed light at the subject once there’s something big happened is absurd – just like how the Paralympic athletes were glorified only after three of them managed to bring home our first Paralympic (and thus Olympic level) gold medals. Pity.

Since a few weeks ago, the new have been flooded by in-school torment. It all started when a child had to be amputated and died not long after the surgery due to being unjustly tortured by the school warden. If you read the paper today, there’s a list of bully cases.

It is a long overdue duty of the public communicators to drive authorities’ attention because that’s how things work here. The authorities are very economical at giving attention to the mid&low-class citizens. Things should have been handled long ago. Rules and regulations should have been put into practice when things were only budding. Children’s voice should have been heard and attended to. But being in a society where the elderly is always right has put us in jeopardy.

When I was in boarding school, I experienced somewhat senior-junior nasty treatment too. The juniors had to stay awake up until 4 am to decorate the dormitory while the seniors were sound asleep. We had to do it in the dark and weren’t allowed to do it in the study room (with lights) because someone else is studying. Some of us tried fixing the norms only to be verbally assault by the seniors. We tried telling the teachers, parents and whoever there was. It was to no avail.

Try to talk it through with them.

Try doing it at other times.

It’s okay. You’re gonna be doing the same thing once you’re a senior.

These are some of the useless advises we received. The last one caught me the most. If an adult could be saying those words, there shall be no end to the vicious cycle. I had it enough that if I were to be given a chance to relive the experience, I won’t do it.

This is not a small matter that could be silenced. I surely hope it’s not. Drastic yet pragmatic measures should be taken. The youths are our future. If schools and home don’t curb the violence of any form now, I can only imagine a barbaric 2030.

The world is already filled with problems. Having another problem would only break the society harder. In a world full of injustice and filthy things, let’s make a room for hope. A hope for the better.

Till then, peace be upon you.

Cursing

I curse a lot. More often I curse alone. There’s a temporary satisfaction to it. The satisfaction then turns into guilt and embarrassment. A respectable man once said,

Filthy language is used by people who don’t have maturity or intelligence to express themselves with better words.

– Nouman Ali Khan

At times, it’s very hard to control our anger and disappointment. Many resort to using foul words to express it. The angrier they get, the harsher the words. Thing as simple as dropping a cup could trigger a person to say ‘sh**’. Do your maths what would be uttered if someone hit one’s car.

I had (still having) a very challenging days where one of my group mate was not cooperating. It could be my overthinking skill to question his reasons but I still gave him chances to prove me wrong. One day, I had enough. I had to get him out of my way and put this to an end. So, I emailed the lecturer in charge to inform and hoping for a solution i.e. to exclude him from the group. I was disappointed with the response. The lecturer asked me to proceed and do nothing about the guy. Lecturer was saying “let’s not drop anyone for now. It’s a good chance for you to learn how to handle the group. Let the person decides based on his consciousness”.

#$^%^&*@%$^??????

…and here I am, talking all by myself, “Ahha, excuse me. I’ve done everything I could to get him involved. If he’s not replying or picking up calls or showing up, what more can I do? Go to his freaking house?!”

Then my brother told me to just let it go. You do you, I do me. It was hard. Still is. But, the willingness to let go, gave me so much peace. I knew that the guy could be worse and was already thinking all of the possible scenes during our presentation day. I was a mad pessimistic lady. It wasn’t helpful. I couldn’t concentrate on my works. I felt uneasy and there was a constant resentment to that guy.

Then, my brother came in and stroke me straight up, “Halting your work because of one problematic person, isn’t a good trait of leadership and team work. There’s always someone who has to do shit but why would you let that stop you.” I laughed at myself. Ooohh, that hurts. Okay abang. Silenced by the strong wisdom.

Didn’t know that my brother could sense my overwhelming stress (I didn’t think it’s stress. More of an anger and fighting for justice). Even I tried to deny it – but I’m a horrible actor, so eventually everyone knows.

Anyway, after the unsatisfactory reply from the lecturer, I prompted the lecturer with a more close-end and straightforward question, “Kindly advise me and the others regarding this matter” and CC-ed to the dean (cause the lecturer said he had discussed it with the dean). Then only I receive a clear-cut answer. Basically, we’re going to have a feedback sheet and we could mark our group members. So, that’s reassuring enough.

Do keep in mind that the decision was agreed by the other member and was a result after discussing with the deputy dean (deputy dean was acting as our adviser) who also advised us to report to the assigned lecturer.

During this period, I’ve said countless cursing words. I was so angry because I couldn’t tolerate such behaviour. However, I managed to be professional when talking to him as not to spark any nonsense arguments because,

The moment you start arguing with an ignorant fool, you have already lost.

-Saidina Ali

In the end, I learned a thing or two. You have to try your best but when it doesn’t work, you have to understand that it’s no longer your fight. Just like the classic rabbit and turtle, you have to carry on with what’s best for you and don’t let the arrogant rabbit stops you from reaching the finishing line.

Until then, may peace be upon us.

What is this service!?

I guess I’m quite a fussy customer because I belief that everyone deserves to get the best service, or at least equal to anyone else who pays the same price.

IT gadget service provider:

In my previous post I mentioned that my keyboard wasn’t working and apparently, I had to send it twice. Today, I went to collect my laptop and albeit the buttons are softer now, the space-bar key is still not working properly. The technician said that it couldn’t be help. I am mad. But I’ve lost hope for them. I plan to go to the center and ask for their second opinion.

Dermatologist:

I went to this established private dermatology clinic. You can see their advertisements on highway billboards. They were on TV and tabloids too. God, they left such a great first impression.

I traveled for over an hour to consult the founder. Alas, I was given very bad consultation. Mind that I didn’t tell the doctor that I’ve actually seen another specialist because I didn’t want to influence his decision.

M: Hi doc. I’ve got a condition. I went to GP and they prescribed me with such-and-such treatment. But it’s getting worse now and I couldn’t take it anymore.

D: Oh, how long has it been? Where else do you have it? Is there any trigger? Oh, this  might be this condition.

M: Can you explain it to me, please?

D: Urm, it’s a skin disease. Many people have it.

M: How did that happen?

D: Well, it’s when your skin replenishes fast.

….

I didn’t like the consultation. He didn’t bother to tell me anything. I had to ask him everything. I paid him hundreds for such a lousy service. He prescribed me with a very strong medications because every time I apply the cream, my skin shrinks (you know the thing you have when you’re in pool for too long). That was the last time I went to see him. Now, whenever people ask me about the clinic, I told them to forget it.

ENT specialist:

I had clogged ear. I went to a clinic and they weren’t solving my problem. So, I went to see a specialist. Everything was fine until the doctor went overboard with his conversation.

D: Are you still a student?

M: Yes.

D: You’re quite old to be a student. What are you studying?

M: -my course-

D: That’s a boring course. What’s your job perspective? Shouldn’t you have graduated. (counting with his finger) Yep, if it’s a 4-year program, you should’ve graduated few years ago. Did you started late?

M: (I was already annoyed) Yes, I did. I can become this and that.

D: Oh dear, that’s really boring – stuck in a room for  long time. Uffffff… It’s really is boring, innit?

Mind that he repeated the word “boring” a few times. It really got onto my nerves. But I had to hold it in cause I need him to suck the water out of my ear.

I really don’t understand why would a person, so educated, be so ignorant. I am your patient, the hospital’s customer. I paid for the service and did no wrong to you whatsoever.

Here’s what I have to say:

Regardless of who we are, we have to respect others. Everyone makes their own choice  because it’s their life. Not everyone enjoys being a doctor; be in medical school for 5 years, getting tortured for 2 years, having limited time with the loved ones and losing a few more years to build the career. Some people may even view being a medical practitioner as something lousy, nerdy and pitiful. The way we see life is not the same with everyone. I respect the profession,  in fact any profession. I was taught to respect everyone not just someone.

Here’s a piece of advise for myself, and others.

Don’t get trailed when you are at the top because who knows when things are going to tumble. Don’t brag when you have everything because it won’t last. Don’t belittle others because one day, you might be working for that person.

Until then, may peace be upon you.

My Life

I never thought that I’d be experiencing K-drama stereotype of college-student-heroine life. Well, of course not the handsome and rich boyfriend part.

If you watch K-drama, then you’d probably notice that the writers (almost) always depict the college-student heroine to have financial struggle. She has to work part time job(s) to cover her expenses and also because she doesn’t want to trouble her family (or the family can’t afford to help). She lives on a tight budget. As a solution, the heroine eats ramyun (instant noodle) as her staple.


I was updating my work schedule, calculating my possible earning, planning when to revise and squeezing in all the deadlines – basically adjusting my schedule and preparing myself. That was when I had a flashback of the dramas I’ve watched. Who knew I’d be able to feel what those fictional characters felt?

I don’t feel bad when I realise that I am different from my peers. Instead, I feel proud of myself. I’m doing things that others will only do in at least 2 years. I’ve grown in that aspect. I hope so.

Working while studying isn’t easy even if you just have to sit behind the counter. Most people don’t get the complete idea of my job scope. They assume I only have to assist students and put the books onto the shelves. Little did they know that assisting students require you to pay attention to the student and leave whatever you’re doing. People don’t come in bulk. They are intermittent. 10 minutes after the first student, the 2nd walks in. Then, when you’re about to read a book, the 3rd comes. Then, 5 minutes later the fourth knocks in.If you’re not patient enough, you’re going to be mad when the 5th student asks for your help.

Secondly, arranging books aren’t simple. There’s code you’d have to follow. Apart from being alphabetically ordered, it has to be the same edition, then, arranged based on its copy number. It becomes tiresome when you thought you’re done but as you walk pass each rack, you find something odd. Bammm! Why does a 616 book sit on a 610 shelve? It becomes more challenging when your partner aren’t as neat as you are. They simply shove the books in and get it done instantly and you on the other side thinking that you’re an old turtle who works very slowly. But the results is obvious. Your side is legit neat!

So far, I am still enjoying my life as a student and a part-time worker. Although sometimes it takes a toll on me but I am teaching myself to look at the bright side. Rather than whining of not having money or worrying that people will look down on me or worse, asking for sympathy, I will work on my own. I thank God for showing me the way. If it wasn’t for Him, I might still be the constantly anxious girl.

“With every hardship, there’s ease”

Till then, may peace be upon you!

Finding balance: Considerate

It’s easier to confront your enemy than your friends.

In my case, it takes full anger to actually be able to spill the beans to both. I wasn’t so kind when I was younger. I used to be able to speak my mind without really care what others think. But, I guess maturation made me realise that I have to consider others too.

Being considerate is a good thing because, let’s face it, we don’t have the whole world to ourselves. However, at times, it’s hard to be considerate when (1) things are coherently wrong, (2) its jeopardising us, (3) we are taken for granted.

#1: There’d be a time when we have to make choices. Somehow, we know that one is better than the other. Since being considerate is considered adult, we ought to choose the less favoured one but has mutual benefit. We have to be satisfied with the choice even if our heart wants the other way. Brain wins over heart. However, when one choice is vividly wrong, then, honesty is virtue. We have to stand up for ourselves and break the silence (if ever there is). This brings us to point #2.

#2: I used to think we have to give our all to help others. I was wrong. We should always put ourselves first and then, try to help others as much as we could. Of course, we will look noble if we are being selfless. But again, define selfless. Don’t we have a value too? Why does others matter more than we do? If we are all equal, then, we have a value too. So, why not do our self a favour first, then only do it for others. If you find that giving charity is defining you, then, that’s your value. If you find that, spending some alone time makes you, you; then that’s your value. In short, whatever defines us and gives us satisfaction, that’s our value. Or in other cases, if making a certain decision puts us at stake of being fired, blamed, failed, etc. which in the end making us miserable, then we don’t have to be a yes-man anymore. In short, when others are trying to stray us away from our value or jeopardising us, that is when we stop being considerate. We mould our lives, not others. They can only influence but it’s us who’s going to allow it or not.

#3: Everyone will make full use of everything they have. It’s called manipulation. It’s both sweet and bitter. It’s really good when we are able to capitalise on everything we have in hand. For example, we have eggs, flour and some sugar. Instead of bugging others to buy us food, we can make our own pancakes. Or if we don’t have money, then we work for it rather than borrowing it from others. On the other hand, there are people who take advantage of others (manipulating others) for their own sake. These are people who make it difficult to be considerate. They may or may not realise what they’re doing; or it could be us who’s the predator so we have to check ourselves too. If we’re asking too much, too frequent, too hard, whatever too there is, then we might be taking advantage of others. Everytime we ask for a favour, ask ourselves first, if we’re in their situation, what’d we do? Have we done anything that deserves their courtesy? Have they even ask us something similar? Are they at the capacity to do such thing? Are we being selfish? Sometimes, considerate people look vulnerable because they can’t say NO. The perks of saying “yeah, sure” for most of the times is it gives others the opinion that, they’re fine with everything. Believe me, these people have feelings and at times, they’re pushed to being overly considerate because they don’t want to hurt others’ feelings.

This isn’t me being unhappy with my life. I am thankful with the life I have. Rather, I am writing to let others know: There’s always a balance in everything. We have to be considerate to others but there’s a limit. We can ask from others but there’s a fine line between asking a favour and dropping an instruction. Tips: favours/helps/assistance can always be declined and we shouldn’t put our hopes too high. Let’s live a better life, shall we?

May peace, be upon you.

 

Stop Barking at The Wrong Tree

Sometimes, people are being too selfish.

Coercing others to grant their wish.

Asking an illiterate somebody to read for you.

Asking a child to make adult decision for you.

Asking a car-less somebody to fetch you.

Asking a penniless somebody to work it for you.

Asking a busy somebody to have a chat with you.

Asking a homeless person to shower for you.

Forcing the world to revolve around YOU.

Don’t you know that the Earth revolves around its own axis?

So why can’t you do you; and let us exist?

The same people would preach about somebody else’s lives.

As if they are that somebody’s wives.

They say that bunch has no shame.

Little did they know, they are quite the same.

They say they couldn’t ride public unless it Boeing.

Little did they know, they hurt others feelings.

They say “I want to do it for the people”

Little did they know, they’re illegal.

Don’t come and ask “Is it me?”,

Cause this is read by ‘we’.

Here’s a piece of advice; for free,

Why don’t you bark at the correct tree?

Different

yellow-stool

Image from Google

If you look at the picture, you’d probably more attracted to see the yellow stool. Simply, because it’s the most outstanding and different from the others.

Oxford dictionary: Not the same as another, unlike in nature, novel, distinct.

Some people hate themselves because they think they are unlike the others. They think they couldn’t fit in and will be outcasted for the rest of their lives. Little did they know, they are the sparkles that add up to the norms.

I used to hate my past because that’s not what others have on their CV. I am the only one in the cohort who has this extra thing in my CV. It’s my failure. I hoped to turn back time so that I could make things ‘right’. But, what is right?

Now that I am a more mature and more accepting of what has happened, I see it as a strength. Not everyone experience great failure (but again, it’s subjective). For example, a smart student would have all A’s and never really experience what normal people call failure (which is a FAIL and not a B or C). So, she or he then get to complete school, get a degree and offered a job. It’s pretty straight forward and I have to say, I rather have that journey too.

However, life isn’t always straight forward. We ought to face challenges and for everyone, it’s different. So, we can’t simply say we’re more pitiful than others or our adversity is worse than the others. There is always people who is more unfortunate than us.

Challenges, failures, unwanted events –  they are all there to teach us. Life is a journey to improve ourselves. Don’t be afraid to be different because none is the same. Embrace your so-called dark past or even weirdness. Make peace with them and you will have a happier life, God wills.

But then again, as a person who believes in God, there’s always boundary as to how much we can be different and I believe that, as long as it doesn’t go against His will, it’s fine.

Till then, may peace be upon you.