“Every sweat that trickled down…”

She wrote that half a decade ago and Facebook reminded her of that. I came across the post and for a reason which I hate the most, I was touched.

We used to be friends but since we parted ways, we never really talk to each other anymore. So here I am, reminiscing the early moments of our friendship.

One night, I went to accompany my friend to see her friend. We drove for half an hour to reach there. When we arrived, she was waiting for us in the lobby. She was already in her PJs. We made our way to her room.

I was quiet most of the time. I spoke when asked, I listened most of the time – or maybe I was talkative. I can’t really tell. However, I remember what I felt. I had a hunch that we’re going to get along pretty well.

Soon enough, we were. I’d be looking for her first every time we gathered and she’d ask people for me if she couldn’t find me. When we sat together, there were plenty of things to talk about. We shared a lot in common, mainly food. We’d be the last two to finish the food and would always get hungry earliest. It was clear to everyone that we’re close.

I remember when we went for a camping, she would always sit behind me. She was the troop leader and at that time, something happened. She felt utterly responsible for it. Right after she publicly apologised, she sat down and cried. An awkward person I was, I could only stare. The rest of the girls were calming her down, telling her it’s alright and hugging her. One thing I did right was, I didn’t budge from my sit. I couldn’t care less about what people thought, I mean, try and shove me away. I’ll move then.

The mushy moment ended rather quickly as the facilitator had more things to say. It was meal time, and representatives from each group went to get the food for their respective group members. While people were busy doing their own stuff, I went to sit with her.

The only thing I asked was, “Teha okay?”. She cried again. I gave her a pat on the hand and waited for her to speak. As she was the troop leader, she wasn’t assigned to a group. That day, she chose to lunch with me.

We’re both busy and had different matters to attend. She was so far ahead of me in a society and naturally, we had less time to meet each other. Slowly, we drifted apart.

Things went downhill from then. There was one time when I hit rock bottom. I thought she’d contact me, she never did.

From a friend whom I could afford to share food with to a person whom I used to know, it sure is sad. To her, I wish nothing but the very best.

I was once asked about friendship and that was one of the hardest questions I’ve been asked on. If I remember correctly, I only have a few categories; best friends, friends and acquaintance. The next hardest question would be when someone asks me in which category are they in.

Oh, before I end this post.

A few years ago, my friend back in college asked me to choose the person who is closest to me. My answer hurt her so much that we didn’t talk for awhile. I don’t go around telling people who they are to me for one reason – I can’t afford to hurt.

Friends come and go, I’ve learned that much at least.

Till then, may peace be upon you.


Too fast

By now, many would have heard the news.

A school in Malaysia was set on fire.

But not many were smart enough. When the news was first reported, people made false assumptions and hurtful comments. A large majority blamed the principal.

One of the most popular remarks public made was questioning the decision of installing grill to the windows. Alright, let’s turn the table around now; what if the windows were not grilled. Imagine a student died, no lets make it – a student broke his arm falling from the second floor of the school (which by the way happened to the fire survivors who jumped from the top floor). I imagine that the ‘unpaid juries’ would still put the blame on the principal for not putting enough securities.

Here’s my logic, the school cum hostel housed not only teenagers. They have primary school residents too. A 6-years old boy would be at risk of climbing out the windows and fall, wouldn’t he? Hence, the grilled was there to avoid such incidences.

Not saying that he did no wrong but it wasn’t all his fault.

A few days after, when the investigation came out with 7 new suspects, public shifted their anger to those teens. Really?

Not saying they are innocent either.

Thing is, people are fast at making uninformed conclusions. All of the unmindful comments are making things harder for the victims’ family. When people have nothing to hold on to, they’ll settle for the lesser. In this case, when the family or public has no one to blame, they will tend to blame the authority – principal.

Now, let’s not jump into conclusions. Y’know, Saidina Ali r.a. once said, words pierce deeper than sword. So, guard it!

Till then, may peace be upon you.


It was in my hand. I was happy to have it.


We sat for our last paper today. We were joyful, to a certain extent, because the questions were manageable. Then, we received an email saying that our essays (which was returned to us a month ago) had been remarked. I reached to the line when the lecturer actually apologise for releasing the marks earlier. At that moment I knew something wasn’t right.

The second marker came into picture and he decided to pull down my marks by more than 50%.

I felt robbed.

I thought I had it all in place. Things were going fine and I had the motivation to proceed. I was wrong. Feeling unjustly marked, I went to speak with the head of department/module leader. Well, most of the time I was quiet and the rest did the talking. I wanted to know so badly what had gone wrong and everyone was absolutely outrageous by the horrific incidence.

Truth is, I still can’t get over it and I don’t really know why do I feel so unsettled. I knew that partly it’s my fault but really, how ridiculous to have such different opinions from two markers from the same institute?

“That’s just how things work. We don’t take the average of those two marks. We take the one that we agreed on.” Yeah, only that the one you agreed on is the lower one, much lower.

It really takes its toll on me. I am extremely demotivated and today is supposedly a happy day because it’s the beginning of summer break.

Nonetheless, I try to see the silver lining. One thing for sure, God is teaching me for the third time, neither success nor failure is permanent. One second you’re on the top, the next time you’re at the bottom. Really, it takes consistent effort and everlasting faith to keep things up.

p/s: I could really use a venti Java chips of Starbucks with a caramel whipped cream now.


I am not quick to forgive.

There has always been a trend in news articles. One time, it was about rape, the other was about homicide, then there was child abandonment. Now, it’s time for bullying reports.

Not saying that the news aren’t good but the fact that people; precisely newspapers and local news authors, would only shed light at the subject once there’s something big happened is absurd – just like how the Paralympic athletes were glorified only after three of them managed to bring home our first Paralympic (and thus Olympic level) gold medals. Pity.

Since a few weeks ago, the new have been flooded by in-school torment. It all started when a child had to be amputated and died not long after the surgery due to being unjustly tortured by the school warden. If you read the paper today, there’s a list of bully cases.

It is a long overdue duty of the public communicators to drive authorities’ attention because that’s how things work here. The authorities are very economical at giving attention to the mid&low-class citizens. Things should have been handled long ago. Rules and regulations should have been put into practice when things were only budding. Children’s voice should have been heard and attended to. But being in a society where the elderly is always right has put us in jeopardy.

When I was in boarding school, I experienced somewhat senior-junior nasty treatment too. The juniors had to stay awake up until 4 am to decorate the dormitory while the seniors were sound asleep. We had to do it in the dark and weren’t allowed to do it in the study room (with lights) because someone else is studying. Some of us tried fixing the norms only to be verbally assault by the seniors. We tried telling the teachers, parents and whoever there was. It was to no avail.

Try to talk it through with them.

Try doing it at other times.

It’s okay. You’re gonna be doing the same thing once you’re a senior.

These are some of the useless advises we received. The last one caught me the most. If an adult could be saying those words, there shall be no end to the vicious cycle. I had it enough that if I were to be given a chance to relive the experience, I won’t do it.

This is not a small matter that could be silenced. I surely hope it’s not. Drastic yet pragmatic measures should be taken. The youths are our future. If schools and home don’t curb the violence of any form now, I can only imagine a barbaric 2030.

The world is already filled with problems. Having another problem would only break the society harder. In a world full of injustice and filthy things, let’s make a room for hope. A hope for the better.

Till then, peace be upon you.


I curse a lot. More often I curse alone. There’s a temporary satisfaction to it. The satisfaction then turns into guilt and embarrassment. A respectable man once said,

Filthy language is used by people who don’t have maturity or intelligence to express themselves with better words.

– Nouman Ali Khan

At times, it’s very hard to control our anger and disappointment. Many resort to using foul words to express it. The angrier they get, the harsher the words. Thing as simple as dropping a cup could trigger a person to say ‘sh**’. Do your maths what would be uttered if someone hit one’s car.

I had (still having) a very challenging days where one of my group mate was not cooperating. It could be my overthinking skill to question his reasons but I still gave him chances to prove me wrong. One day, I had enough. I had to get him out of my way and put this to an end. So, I emailed the lecturer in charge to inform and hoping for a solution i.e. to exclude him from the group. I was disappointed with the response. The lecturer asked me to proceed and do nothing about the guy. Lecturer was saying “let’s not drop anyone for now. It’s a good chance for you to learn how to handle the group. Let the person decides based on his consciousness”.


…and here I am, talking all by myself, “Ahha, excuse me. I’ve done everything I could to get him involved. If he’s not replying or picking up calls or showing up, what more can I do? Go to his freaking house?!”

Then my brother told me to just let it go. You do you, I do me. It was hard. Still is. But, the willingness to let go, gave me so much peace. I knew that the guy could be worse and was already thinking all of the possible scenes during our presentation day. I was a mad pessimistic lady. It wasn’t helpful. I couldn’t concentrate on my works. I felt uneasy and there was a constant resentment to that guy.

Then, my brother came in and stroke me straight up, “Halting your work because of one problematic person, isn’t a good trait of leadership and team work. There’s always someone who has to do shit but why would you let that stop you.” I laughed at myself. Ooohh, that hurts. Okay abang. Silenced by the strong wisdom.

Didn’t know that my brother could sense my overwhelming stress (I didn’t think it’s stress. More of an anger and fighting for justice). Even I tried to deny it – but I’m a horrible actor, so eventually everyone knows.

Anyway, after the unsatisfactory reply from the lecturer, I prompted the lecturer with a more close-end and straightforward question, “Kindly advise me and the others regarding this matter” and CC-ed to the dean (cause the lecturer said he had discussed it with the dean). Then only I receive a clear-cut answer. Basically, we’re going to have a feedback sheet and we could mark our group members. So, that’s reassuring enough.

Do keep in mind that the decision was agreed by the other member and was a result after discussing with the deputy dean (deputy dean was acting as our adviser) who also advised us to report to the assigned lecturer.

During this period, I’ve said countless cursing words. I was so angry because I couldn’t tolerate such behaviour. However, I managed to be professional when talking to him as not to spark any nonsense arguments because,

The moment you start arguing with an ignorant fool, you have already lost.

-Saidina Ali

In the end, I learned a thing or two. You have to try your best but when it doesn’t work, you have to understand that it’s no longer your fight. Just like the classic rabbit and turtle, you have to carry on with what’s best for you and don’t let the arrogant rabbit stops you from reaching the finishing line.

Until then, may peace be upon us.

My Life

I never thought that I’d be experiencing K-drama stereotype of college-student-heroine life. Well, of course not the handsome and rich boyfriend part.

If you watch K-drama, then you’d probably notice that the writers (almost) always depict the college-student heroine to have financial struggle. She has to work part time job(s) to cover her expenses and also because she doesn’t want to trouble her family (or the family can’t afford to help). She lives on a tight budget. As a solution, the heroine eats ramyun (instant noodle) as her staple.

I was updating my work schedule, calculating my possible earning, planning when to revise and squeezing in all the deadlines – basically adjusting my schedule and preparing myself. That was when I had a flashback of the dramas I’ve watched. Who knew I’d be able to feel what those fictional characters felt?

I don’t feel bad when I realise that I am different from my peers. Instead, I feel proud of myself. I’m doing things that others will only do in at least 2 years. I’ve grown in that aspect. I hope so.

Working while studying isn’t easy even if you just have to sit behind the counter. Most people don’t get the complete idea of my job scope. They assume I only have to assist students and put the books onto the shelves. Little did they know that assisting students require you to pay attention to the student and leave whatever you’re doing. People don’t come in bulk. They are intermittent. 10 minutes after the first student, the 2nd walks in. Then, when you’re about to read a book, the 3rd comes. Then, 5 minutes later the fourth knocks in.If you’re not patient enough, you’re going to be mad when the 5th student asks for your help.

Secondly, arranging books aren’t simple. There’s code you’d have to follow. Apart from being alphabetically ordered, it has to be the same edition, then, arranged based on its copy number. It becomes tiresome when you thought you’re done but as you walk pass each rack, you find something odd. Bammm! Why does a 616 book sit on a 610 shelve? It becomes more challenging when your partner aren’t as neat as you are. They simply shove the books in and get it done instantly and you on the other side thinking that you’re an old turtle who works very slowly. But the results is obvious. Your side is legit neat!

So far, I am still enjoying my life as a student and a part-time worker. Although sometimes it takes a toll on me but I am teaching myself to look at the bright side. Rather than whining of not having money or worrying that people will look down on me or worse, asking for sympathy, I will work on my own. I thank God for showing me the way. If it wasn’t for Him, I might still be the constantly anxious girl.

“With every hardship, there’s ease”

Till then, may peace be upon you!


Early this week, UPSR results came out.

I couldn’t care less because I don’t know anyone who sat for it last September. I was surprised to know that less than 5 thousands candidate managed to get straight As. But, what surprised me most was, there’re 6 subjects/papers (it was only 5 during my time). Obviously, I didn’t read much paper.

Anyways, jokes and political arguments aside.

I know how unfathomable the despair of not getting straight As is. Believe me, I do.

I was a straight As candidate. I’ve always managed to get it in every trials. However, during the real examination, I was short of 1. T’was the most difficult thing a 12 years old me had to face. I still remember vividly the day when the result was announced. My peers and I, together with our parents, were waiting in a three-classroom long indoor seminar hall. I sat at the very back of the room. Some parents were sitting behind me. Mostly, my friends’ parents and my mom.

So, one of the admin team (who is also our teacher) gave a brief speech regarding our achievements and whatnot. Then, she started to announce students who got straight As. I waited, and waited. I realized they were calling names in alphabetical order. Then, I knew something was wrong when my friend who’s name is after me in that order was called. “Did they skipped me?” or “Am I the best student who’d be called last?” or “Did I not hear them calling me?”.

I had partial realization; turned back to my mom and gave her the “No mom, I didn’t make it this time”. I started to tear up. Slowly, the quiet cry  became a loud sob. I felt the world crashing on me. I couldn’t see the future and my mind was blank. As empty as a cold white isolated room. I know, it sounds dramatic for adults who’re reading it. Truth is, that’s how big of a deal UPSR means to a primary 6 students.

To make things short, I went to the examination board (yup people, how incredibly in denial I was) and submitted an appeal to recheck my results only to receive “Your grades remain” a few months after. I promised myself not to visit the school ever again. #dontjudgebecauseyouarealwaysstraightAstudents


As far as I have written, you might think that I’m on your side and will agree with everything you do. But let me help you.

Truth sucks, I know. Nevertheless, you’ll have to deal with it. Albeit being denied to enter a boarding school (I’ve always wanted it) and not being celebrated as straight A’s student, I made it through.

When I had to go to normal school who apparently was labeled as ‘underperformed school’, I told myself: I will do my very best in this school and prove that it’s me who dictates my success and not the school. I will graduate from this school with achievements that people ought I’ll be deprived of.

With that resolutions carved in my heart and mind, Alhamdullilah, I was announced the best students for the whole three years of lower secondary. Then, I was offered a place in boarding school and things went on smooth.

You see kids, life will always find a reason to knock you down. But you HAVE to fight back. There’s so much life can offer, but only to those who persevered. Now, cheer up. You can’t change the past but you can always create your future. Work for it! Things won’t come easy but you’ll find strength, insya Allah. Ask for God’s mercy.

Till then, may peace be upon you!

p/s: Congratulations for being the first ever to be tested on HOTS! Sure, this deserve a separate discussion.